Bearing my soul . . .

I don’t know what is up with me lately. I’m an emotional rollercoaster/mess. I wake up crying in the middle of the night. I’ve been feeling lonely, even when surrounded by people. I’ve been feeling like I need to take a break; to be somewhere where I’ll be surrounded by loved ones, warm embrace of an older sibling, or something.

I don’t know. ..

I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot, and of my oldest brother who passed away 14 years ago. I miss them both. I wish they were here, just to freaking be here.  I’ve been thinking about my son, and his future. I’ve been thinking about everything. Everything which has been making me feel so darn down and upset. If only I had a crystal ball and can look to see the future. Will I finally make enough money so I’m not always broke? It’s so pathetic, I know, but I still haven’t mastered this adult thing of making my monthly salary last one whole month.

Of course, the biggest thing on my mind is will my son finally speak so we can all be happy! I’m tired of seeing my husband stress and be angry all the time. Even our 4 year old daughter pointed out the other day that her dad never smiles! How sad . . . to be a little kid and pick up on something like that. I want to make her happy because I feel like she is picking up my sadness and worry and grief plus her dad’s anger and denial and her brother being who he is and the non-verbalness and shrieks. I’m just heavy with everything at the moment and trying to cope as best as I can and lately the best as I can is burying myself with work, finding even 10 minutes to exercise, daydreaming of happier/prettier scenarios (i.e. winning the lottery, buying a home, round-the-clock care for my son).

Of course, at home I am the mommy I’ve always been – happy, smiling, playful. It’s just that last night it kind of occurred to me that it was taking a great deal of strength from me to do that. I was pressuring myself to smile and reply with excitement to my daughter’s quirks and my son’s need for playfulness. I wanted to sunk in my misery and just be sad. But who can do that when your little girl is saying things like: “When I close my eyes to sleep tonight, I want to dream that I’m a mermaid”.

It’s just a funk, right?