I’m mostly mad at myself. A lot mad.

Seven, not six or five, but seven (7!!!) vaccines at 4 months old!! I’m no expert, but just somewhere deep inside me that just feels like A LOT!! And to top it off, I’ve met another mom recently who used to have the same pediatrician as us and her son is on the spectrum as well. Not to mention, that while we were on vacation when P was a baby he got sick and we had to visit our pediatrician in the village and I just remember her shocked face shen she saw how many he had done at 6 months. So, for about a week now I haven’t slept and I’m just curious how many other mommies out there also have autistic children who used to, or still go, to our old pediatrician?!

I’ve mentioned in one of my very first posts that the reason we stopped going to her was because of all the red flags our little boy was raising and she would just brush every single one of them off by saying “this is what boys do, they talk, then they stop, then they start again”. In what medical book did she learn that exactly, cause I haven’t seen that anywhere!! Still, I don’t think she did it out of malice, just her stupidity caused us months of therapy and maybe just maybe if we had started sooner we would be on a different path right now. Hubby, on the other hand, does not want me to bring the subject of vaccines up at all. He says what’s happened, happened and we have to move forward. So, why is it killing me so much? I remember cause my niece was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s at the time that I kept looking for clues in P like eye contact, and turning to the sound of his name and walking on tiptoes and being happy around other kids and he would hit those milestones, and more, like a champ!! No mommy was prouder of her little man than I. Early videos and pictures on my FB page prove just that. I was so proud of him. He was such a good little kid. So, am I not proud of him anymore? Is he not still such a good kid? Yeah, I’m still proud of him. I’m proud of him when he manages to say “bi” for biscuit and “ka” for kaka. But my heart sinks when he reaches for the soap and eats it. Autism fucking sucks. I love my son to death but I do not love, even for a second, Autism. Especially P’s type, the non-verbal, hand-jerking, soap-eating, deodorant-licking, sireny-sounding Autism.

And just to conclude, cause I’m just getting madder and madder every second I type, did I mention my niece’s Asperger’s diagnosis? Did I tell her that epilepsy runs in the family as do a host of other developmental delays such as speech delay? Y -E-S. Because now I know that when there’s a family history of developmental delays it’s good to stave off vaccines for a while. Sure, now I know this, but I didn’t then. I mean, where was this literature back in 2009 and 2010 when my baby was being bombarded every single fucking month? For all the reading I was doing, I did not come across this anywhere. But you’d think a pediatrician would, wouldn’t you?

You’d be wrong.

*Serious side note: Just because my child may or may not have been affected by his vaccines DOES NOT mean your child will be as well. I do not want to sway parents or affect personal decisions in any way whatsoever. Our son developed regressive autism at 2. I am just a mom of an autistic child who is looking for a cause/answers.

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